Swamp Kids

  This is my final weekend of peace and quiet before the kids make their way back to school.  It's a bittersweet feeling really because I enjoy teaching but I really would love another few months of vacation.  Alas as someone wise once sang and then was resang by the cast of Glee, "you can't always get what you want". 

  I thought I had a topic in mind when I started writing today but apparently I was just bored.  Florida's Armpit as you may or may not know is like that some days.  However the interesting news I have is that I'm moving.  The not so interesting news is is that I'm not moving very far.  Just across town.  Wahoo!  Let's throw a parade, although we don't want to block traffic because it's not fun trying to get through town when there's a road blockage. 

In other news our dear neighbors Einstein and Beauty who live next door, don't live there anymore.  Funny story, our landlord sold their house out from under them without so much as telling them she was doing it.  So two days before their wedding landlord lady drops the bomb on them and needless to say they are gone.  I miss them.  When Red and I move we will be closer but still it won't be like having a neighbor right next door that can just pop in whenever they randomly feel like it.  Sigh.

 Well since my topics are so lame today I think I'm gonna wrap it up.  I'll be back again when there is something really great happening.

A Gift from Beauty and the Geek

   There's no delicate way to say this, so I'm just going to blurt it all out.  My girfreind has huge knockers.  None of our friends even try to pretend that they aren't enormous or that we should't bring them up randomly in any conversation we can.  It just is what it is.  I know some more hoity toity people may use artwork or fancy decor for conversational pieces, but if you're a friend of mine you know that we mostly just focus on Red's Ta Ta's. 
   For example, I single handedly created the updated version of plinko, involving ice, Red's pillows, and vocal chords screaming "plinko".  It can be played various ways involoving pieces of straw paper, shredded cheese, apple slices, and you get double the points if you don't use your hands.  It seems a little mean if you are thinking about it out of context, but deep down the little red one loves the attention, and also her moans of "OHHHHH!!!"  make it so much more fun when you score a point.
     Alas, I'm straying from the point.  Our friend Beauty and Einstein, who are two of the friends who enjoy Red's Mongos the most came over one day and plopped down on the couch.  Beauty's smile was as wide as the Atlantic and her jittery demeaner was at an all time high. 
    "I got you a present!" she giggled, beaming at the red one.
    The Spencer's bag told me right away what it was but Red being Red took a few extra seconds and opening the bag to discover the nipple tassels made completely out of candy.
  "OH MY GOD!" Red guffawed....

  BACKSTORY:    The four of us had been talking forever about getting Red to dance around in some nipple tassels for all of us, because it would be hilarious and interesting, etc... Einstein had seen some girl on youtube.com doing it so he thought Red would be perfectly amazing at it and thus the brainchild was born.

"It's never gonna happen!" Red shouted tossing the nipple tassles on the table.

And there they sat for weeks and weeks.

Then one night, very much like tonight I was sitting at my laptop typing away when all of a sudden I heard music from the living room.

"MY MILKSHAKES BRING ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD!"

I knew instantly what it was.  Or at least I thought I did.  I went out to the living room to see Red dancing away, swinging those kabobs up and down, to and fro, dancing harmoniously to Kelis' rhapsody.  I danced along, then picked up my phone and took a few pictures.  She screamed for me not to do that.  I just laughed.  I wasn't going to show anyone but Einstein and Beauty.  She tried to take the phone back but I didn't let her have it. 

"Just keep dancing," I told her.  She paused for a moment and then continued dancing, and just when it was getting so her melons almost touched the ceiling, Bella our precious baby, who had been dozing on the bed must have noticed the party was going on without her, got up, sprinted from the bedroom, lunged into the air, grabbed one of the candy tassels in her teeth and yanked it right off Red's left Kilbasa. 
Red screamed again, covering as much of the ample cushion as she could and ran into the bedroom.  I couldn't have planned it any better if I'd paid the dog in kibble.  It was a completely perfect and funny moment in the Swamp.  I guess Red shouldn't have taught Bella how to jump through hoops and all those circus tricks, because it came back to bite her in the candy flavored tassel.

WWHBD

I know that it's quite a shock that I'm searching to buy a house in Florida's Armpit.  I'm even surprising myself, but let's face it.  I have a stable job in a bad economy.  As much as I would love to move up north out of the humid stench of the Armpit odors, I'm thinking that right now is not the best time.  I'll probably be down here for another couple years (or the rest of my life) and I might as well get my own house and earn some equity instead of just paying rent.

I just started looking at things in my price range and I haven't seen too many things that I like yet, however there were about two houses that kind of caught my eye.  I'm going to go look at them this week and see if anything is promising.

My big plan is to get a nice house and then charge Red 1,000 dollars a month or maybe more so I can just pay off my house on her dime.  :)  I think that's fair.  A fine price for living in my domain.  She'll be excited to hear about that I'm sure.  Oh and Reddy you'll have to pay extra if you want to bring our dog.

Last night we hung out with our new friends Ken and Snowbird Barbie.  They just moved into town this year.  We've only known them for about nine months but we feel like we've known them for ten.  (years that is... not months.  That would be silly)  Hanging out with them again today.  They are the best!

Well anyway, I'll keep you posted on the house, how much rent Red owes me, the new tricks the dog is learning, and of course what new things develop in the Swamp. 

See ya Gator!  

  

The Beginning

Picture it.  Palm Trees (not swaying, just standing there since there's no wind).  95 degrees in the shade.  Humidity saturating your skin and pasting your "professional" clothes you are required to wear to the moist skin.  Nine year olds running around the playground screaming whatever they need to in attempts to de-stress their poor overtested brains.  Obnoxious little black Lovebugs flitting around dragging their "connected" partners behind them as they fly on your face, arms, legs, butt, (before you sit down and smear their exploded insides all over your professional clothes that you as a teacher are required to wear in such conditions) on your foot, up your nose, etc...

Welcome to the Swamp.  This is how most days pass here in Florida's Armpit.  No that's not the real name of the town but you'll want something to call it and its real name isn't worth mentioning.  It's your basic small town in Southern Florida where nothing ever happens.  I"m sure you know a place like it.

Anyway I wanted to take this first entry and really explain the purpose of this blog.  I'm not very quiet by any means but I've always found writing a great way to say those things that happen to you that you never really planned to say out loud.  Since my life right now currently revolves around three big things: teaching in the swamp, my vampire dog, and my wonky girlfriend Red (mostly the stupid crap she says) I thought this would be the perfect avenue to really express that. 

Okay so my dog isn't necessarily a vampire.  Yes, she does eat anything in sight but mostly I just call her that because I happened to be reading Twilight when I adopted her from the pound.  Yep, I named her Bella, despite the lady at the pound's glares and "I can't believe you are so unoriginal" comments. 

Please lady.  Are you ever going to see my dog again?  See what you don't realize is that Swamp people aren't quite normal.  They talk on their phones at Wal-Mart when you are trying to get them to check you out, that's after you wait in line for obscene amounts of time because they can't hire enough cashiers to fill the registers.

But I digress, I'm getting off subject.  The last portion as I said are my girlfriend's ridiculous "Red-isms" if you will.  I personally blame all of it on the fact that she's a redhead.  She disagrees but she says Redheads have secret powers that make them more deficient to medicines and such.  I'm not sure.  All I know is that she absolutely drives me insane with almost all of the crap that she says because none of it makes any sense.  As a pretty realistic person, I NEED things to make sense.  Go figure.  The best way I can describe it is to have you imagine a romantic comedy.  The guy is just about to kiss the girl after the long wait they made us sit through but then just as he is about to do it he turns to her and says "OH CANOE FOO, AYJAMA!"

In case you were wondering.  That is a direct quote.  I constantly feel like I'm in a foreign film.

So, I don't know if you will be disturbed, elated, or infatuated with this blog but I hope you enjoy or can relate to some of the weird things that happen here in Florida's Armpit.  I know I said not much happens here, but the simplicity that brings out the craziness.  I know for me, every day has plenty of entertainment.

See ya soon!